The way I see it, comparing myself to who I used to be is just like comparing myself to some model I see on a magazine cover. I can’t compare myself to her, she’s not the same person as I am, just like my former me is really not the same person that I am. I have a completely different life than that girl. I hardly even know her.

From now on it’s all about I am or I will. I am eating really well and feel good about my decisions. I am loved by an amazing husband. I am grateful for the clients I have and am working hard to help them with their book promotions. I will add a few minutes to my run each week. I will focus on expanding my business by continuing to learn new skills and meeting new people.

Is there a word or phrase that you have cut out of your vocabulary? (Keep it clean!) What have you replaced them with?

Despite my very best efforts and a great first half of the day, I did finally have an “I hate the pressures of Valentine’s Day” moment. But to my credit I also teared up watching Clueless (I could be feeling slightly emotional today). I’m feeling better now after taking a hot bath and apologizing to my sweet husband. As I mentioned on Day 1, I’m really not a fan of this holiday.

One of the the things I was hopeful for in this series is that us wives would at least look at how much effort we are putting into our marriages and into showing our husbands how much we love them.

So, I want to end this series by challenging us to look at our marriages and see how we’re doing. Jared and I have made this check-up a part of our marriage routine. Every 3-6 months we plan a day to evaluate how we’re doing. We typically book a hotel and try to check in as early as they’ll let us. At the hotel, we spend time praying, talking, reading, and brainstorming. We talk about finances, career goals, family planning, sex, feelings, the areas we think are going well and the ones we need to work on, and anything else we’ve bottled up or want to talk about.  Then, we break for a dinner date.

The reason I think it’s important to designate a time to talk about big issues is that there never seems to be a “right time” to discuss some things. Our check-up is a safe place to bring up any issue. Spending time together in prayer before our discussion helps us stay focused on bringing us closer to each other and to God, thus keeping feelings of attack at bay. Of course, some ground rules may need to be set, especially if you have some negative patterns that you want to avoid.  

Sometimes the process is not easy. But, we always leave feeling closer than we were when we started and energized to make our marriage a priority.

If you have any questions about how we do this let me know. Does any one else have a designated check-up with their husband? I’d be interested to hear how frequently you check in and how you make it work with young kids in the picture.

Thank you for joining me for the last fourteen days. It’s been a blessing to our marriage to put the focus on my husband for a couple of weeks and I hope it has been for you, too.

We don’t have any kids yet, so we actually go on dates fairly often and it’s one of the things I hope we never quit doing. Even though we don’t have kids running around, we don’t just sit and have deep conversation every day either. For some reason, we have had some of our best discussions while eating out. I guess there isn’t much else to do but talk, drink, and eat at a restaurant!

Sometimes we just go on what I call a caffei-date to a coffee shop. It doesn’t have to be fancy, there’s just something about getting away from all the things we have going on at home to focus on each other. Okay, we may do a little people watching, too. We love figuring out how long a couple has been dating or married by their mannerisms and what they order.

If you haven’t spent some alone time together outside of the house recently, make a date with your husband. If you can’t go on a date, I know a lot of couples have their best talks by taking regular walks together. I can’t get Jared to walk with me very often, but he’s always happy to eat with me! (He will run with me, but it’s hard to have deep conversations when I can’t breathe.)

Sorry this was so late. I thought I could post this after I got ready for our date tonight, but go figure, it took me forever to figure out what to wear. I promised I wouldn’t allow myself to stress out on our Valentine’s Day. So I’m relaxed and enjoying a glass of wine (which explains any errors you find) and getting this up when I had time. And, now I have a husband to get back to. Good evening friends!

Cooking a big healthy meal for New Year's Eve this year.

I’ve taken time to learn what health issues run in Jared’s family, the things I need to help him watch for in his health, and the things that I could put in his diet to prevent potential diseases. Of course, God is in control, and I can’t protect him from everything, but it certainly doesn’t hurt to try. And, as much as Jared hates his veggies (he really hates them), he can’t help but feel loved and cared for when I put broccoli on his plate.

Not only can I help Jared stay healthy, but keeping myself healthy is a way to show him I love him, too. So, today, I’m encouraging all of us to show our spouses we love them by supporting a healthy lifestyle in our family. Here’s a few ways to start integrating healthy living into your relationship.

• Learn about the health risks you and your husband may have by chatting with both sets of parents and grandparents.
• Research prevention for the risks that are common in your family and add recommended supplements and foods into your diet.
• Read men’s health magazines. (Jared subscribes to Men’s Health, but I read it more than he does.)
• If you aren’t working out, make time so that each of you can get in some exercise (either together or trading off so someone can watch the kids).
• Try out new ways to cook healthy foods until you find a way that your husband likes it. (I’ve found that Jared really likes veggies on a charcoal grill.)
• Keep junk food or weakness-snacks out of the house.
• Keep healthy snacks, like fruit and vegetables out in easy reach or plain view. (I’ve also found if I chop up an apple and put it in Jared’s hand, he’ll eat it, but he won’t cut it up himself.)
• Share little healthy tid-bits with your husband. Like, “Did you know that some fats are good for you, like from olive oil, salmon, avocados, and almonds?”  Without forcing it, you’re at least teaching him healthy options so he can make good decisions when he’s on his own.
• Send him to work with a packed lunch so he’s not tempted by all the fast-food options.

What else? I know a lot of you probably do a much better job of this then me. What are some ways you’ve shown your husband you love and care for him by helping him get or stay healthy?

Think about it, what was the first thing that brought you and your man together? I bet it was flirting. I know it was for me and Jared. A little eyes, a little smooth (or not-so smooth) talkin’, maybe an “accidental” brush of the arm. The things that made you want to smile, laugh, & spin around all at once because he’s into you, he’s really in to you!

Eventually, though, flirting takes a back seat as you work to get to know each other deeper and share real life with one another. It’s hard to flirt between bills and baby spit up (so I’ve heard on the latter).

But flirting is a fun way to bring the focus back to each other. It’s low pressure and doesn’t take much time at all. Try one of these flirtation devices each day this week.

• Send your man a text message with a sweet or sexy message. Pictures optional (but be careful if someone else might see it)!
• Walk up behind your husband while he’s doing something mundane, like paying bills or brushing his teeth, and hug him and tell him you love him or thank him for taking care of the finances.
• Sit on his lap or curl up close to him on the couch or in bed. I blogged about snuggle benefits on Day Six.
• Wear something slightly revealing around the house. It doesn’t have to be dressy. Even sweat pants paired with a low-cut tee or a cami can be sexy.
• Compliment him. Don’t just say you look nice, we’re talking flirting here. Try “Check out your booty in those pants!” or “I love it when you wear that shirt. It reminds me of our vacation to Rome.” 
• Write a message for him in the mirror or the shower steam. (Jared does this for me a lot and I love it. The latest message says, “Hello Beautiful.” (It gives me an excuse not to clean the shower, too!)
• Speaking of the shower, hop in there while your husband’s showering. You can probably forget all of the other stuff if you surprise him in there.
• Laugh at things he says that are funny or tell him something funny that happened to you today.
• Lean toward him and listen when he’s talking to you. Simply engaging him and making eye connection can be flirtatious.
• Give him “the eyes” at the dinner table or out in public. Don’t avoid flirting when the kids are around–they may act grossed out, but it’s one of the healthiest things they can observe their parents doing.
• Use your gifts and your imagination and have fun with it!

Just a word to the sensitive souls (like me): set your expectations low, especially if you haven’t flirted in awhile. Sometimes I think I’m flirting and Jared has no idea that was supposed to be flirtatious. Try not to be upset if you don’t get the reaction you were hoping for and keep trying. If he’s just not observant enough to realize what you’re doing, try being more direct, maybe even tell him that you’re trying. However, I’ve been in a relationship where my passes where intentionally ignored–that’s not okay–and if you’re dealing with that, you may need something heftier than a flirtation device to bring the spark back.

Have fun and report back to let us know how it works.

Also, I heard this today and thought it was brilliant, “You can’t recreate on Valentine’s Day something that hasn’t been there all year.” Flirting is one of those things you can do every day that takes the pressure off of days like Valentine’s Day. If you “practice” giving affection to each other throughout the year, it’s so much easier to express it on days like Valentine’s. I think that’s why I’m finally ready to celebrate it this year.

I’m horrible at pulling off surprises and I’m honestly not a big fan of being surprised, but Jared really likes them. He gets this from his mom, who is the queen of surprises. Anything she can make into a surprise, she does. And if we manage to surprise her, her reaction makes it all worthwhile.

So, I’m thinking that I need to plan a surprise for Jared. I have something in mind, which obviously I can’t post because he is a good husband and reads my blogs. I want it to be good, though. A good surprise requires the following:

• Forethought (the longer you plan ahead, the more special it is)
• Knowledge about the person your surprising (a surprise sucks if the person wouldn’t even like it or if they hate surprises)
• Planning (a surprise must be orchestrated with detail to be successful)
• Secret (may seem obvious, but I struggle with this part!)
• Help (not always, but if you get other people involved the impact can be a little bigger)
• Creativity (think outside the box and do something unexpected)
• Selflessness (intentions must be to simply bring joy to the surprisee and to make them feel special–no strings attached).

Have you pulled off a surprise for your man? What did you do? What was his reaction?

Nobody‘s perfect. Besides being perfect is over-rated. So I’ve decided today’s topic is to resolve to be imperfect. Since that’s really all we can be, shouldn’t we just embrace it instead of trying to become something or someone we aren’t? My husband doesn’t expect a perfect wife and when I set my standards too high, I set myself up to feel like I’ve failed. And I actually become a much worse wife when I think I’m not good enough. (Yes, I still have A LOT of maturing to do!)

If I think I can’t cook well enough, I order in. If I think I’m not sexy enough, I don’t want to..ahem. If the house isn’t clean enough, I get overwhelmed by the thought of doing one load of laundry. What is “enough” anyway? I can guarantee my standards of “enough” are much higher than my husbands, so he gets short-changed when I don’t meet expectations he never set.

One of my client’s, Joan C. Webb, wrote The Relief of Imperfection: For Women Who Try Too Hard to Make it Just Right and an accompanying devotional, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Live. Her books really opened my eyes to the damage perfectionism can do to your relationships, health, and spiritual life. I love this quote from The Relief of Imperfection, “If we met all our family’s and friend’s needs and desires and they met ours, we might be tempted to leave God out of our lives.”

My prayer for today is that we allow ourselves the freedom to lower the bar just a bit so we can enjoy our imperfect lives. You may find your imperfect life is pretty perfect after all.

And since I didn’t post yesterday, I’m offering a quick bonus topic today:

In addition to lifting the veil of  perfect standards in our own lives, let’s consider examining what is ”enough” from others in our life. Are we expecting a perfect spouse? Are we asking our family to fill gaps that only a perfect God can fill?

As I write this, I can honestly say that I haven’t a clue who the two teams that are playing tonight are. I care that little about the NFL, unless it has to do with the Cowboys. But my husband likes football and even though he’s apparently not a big fan of either of the teams playing (I would know that much), he’d like to watch it. And I will gladly join him and the other coaches and their families to watch this event of which I couldn’t care less. It’s not always about whether you enjoy the event or activity, it’s about enjoying the time together.  

According to Willard Harley’s book, His Needs, Her Needs, the typical husband ranks spending recreational time with his wife number two in his top five basic needs (sex is obviously number one). Despite their need for guy time, our guys also like us to join them in many of their favorite activities. Jared and I knew when we got married that we actually had very few of the same interests, so one of us often has to compromise in order to spend time together. And most of the time, if done with a good attitude, the compromise is worth it.

I’m a little jealous of women that actually enjoy sports, because this is easy for them. Maybe one day it will be easy for me, too. But for now I’m happily compromising to show my husband I love him and want to be with him.

What are some of the activities you and your husband enjoy together? Did one of you have to compromise in the beginning? Have you decided to just do your own thing? I would love to hear how other couples work through their differences in activity preference.

He’s not the first person that has commented about how we are a snuggly couple and he probably won’t be the last. We are snugglers: in bed, on the couch, at the movies, anywhere we can.

Jared just left to go pick up a movie for our Saturday veg night. I’m excited to get to curl up in a blanket with him. There’s just nothing better than spooning!

If you haven’t snuggled with your man in a while, go curl up in his lap and let the sparks fly.

Happy snuggling!

Here are a few books that have really impacted the way I love and relate to my husband.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage has been the best book for helping me understand that whether I like it or not, my husband has needs that really do need to be met and if I can’t meet them he may be tempted to look elsewhere. (I’m certainly not condoning affairs or saying anyone has a good excuse, but this really helped me understand why people have them and gave me very practical advice for avoiding one in our marriage.) This is really best read together, but it’s still useful alone. It includes assessments and questions for him/questions for her/questions to discuss together at the end of each chapter. Asking questions or doing the assessment verbally is a good way to get your guy interested even if he doesn’t initially want to read it.

Francine Rivers’s novel Redeeming Love is my favorite book of all time. It is about a relationship between a man and woman, but it’s really a metaphor for our relationship with God and his pursuit for our heart. There is a lot of deep spiritual underlying in this book, but I also related to the actual relationship between Michael and Angel, the two main characters, a lot. Angel, a prostitute, can’t receive love because she has learned not to be vulnerable with men. Coming out of a bad relationship where I was made to think I was unlovable, made it very hard to accept love from someone eager to give it to me. Close friends tried to convince Jared he would be sinning by marrying a divorced woman, much like Michael’s friends in this book. Yet Jared, much like Michael, wouldn’t let me go…even when I tried. If you’ve ever felt like you weren’t deserving of a loving relationship or you struggle with letting your guard down with your spouse, I highly recommend Redeeming Love. 

For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn is a light easy read that let’s you in on all these little secrets about men. Many of them I had heard before, but it was still a really fun book. Jared doesn’t read much, but he read For Men Only by Shaunti and her husband and he loved it. He would stop and read me something and say “Is that for real?” It was mind-opening for him because he was learning about me and mind-opening for me because I assumed those things were obvious. Some of the chapter subtitles are Why Your Respect Means More to Him than Even Your Affection; How His Need to Provide Weighs Your Man Down, and Why He Likes it That Way; and Why Your Mr. Smooth Looks So Impressed but Feels Like an Imposter. Throughout the book are survey results about men’s thoughts on issues in the chapter. Some of them are really eye-opening. This is a fun gift set for newly married couples, too.

I couldn’t leave this book out considering the fact that this blog is primarily about my adjustment to becoming a coach’s wife. Carolyn Allen’s book and online Coach’s Wife Network have both been such a blessing to me as I learn how to fit in a world of sports that I know nothing about. This book covers all the basis about what to expect and how to embrace the life of coach’s wife. 

Full Disclosure: My mother, Becky Johnson, collaborated with Dr. Henslin on this book.

This is Your Brain in Love is the follow-up to This is Your Brain on Joy. I’m including this book because I’ve learned so much from Dr. Henslin and my mom about how the brain can affect our moods, sex-drive, communication skills, and so forth that I now know the concept of bringing your best brain to your marriage is absolutely essential. Imagine if you found out that your husband’s outrage at seemingly minor things was due to an old football injury. Imagine that with diet, exercise, and supplements his brain could be corrected and his outburst could go away. Or, imagine if your moodiness during that time of month could be balanced by making sure your brain was balanced? Would knowing that some of the biggest fights you’ve had are due to a brain injury or imbalance change the way you or your spouse look at each other? Knowing his outrage isn’t just because he’s mean and hateful or that your moodiness isn’t just because you’re too emotional could drastically change the relationship dynamic.

What are some books that have helped you understand your husband, yourself, your sex life, your needs, marriage, relationships? I’m always looking for another good read!